The Mercies, Kiran Millwood Hargrave

I love books that have tangles and leave me wondering what I would do in that situation. The Mercies is a story about an impossible situation and how it’s easy to label, but harder to try and understand.

The story starts with a massive storm that kills all the men from a small community the Norwegian coast. The women find ways to provide for themselves, even go fishing, but in the end their actions that helped them survive are condemned.

Ursa, who is a newcomer, is the Norwegian wife of Scottish Absalom. She walks the line of keeping herself safe from her husband, while at the same time, trying to spare the women of Vardo from his wrath.

Ursa is a complex character, both naïve and yet in many ways, showing brave wisdom. She doesn’t want to marry Absalom, but she tries to be a good wife to him. Even so she refuses to abandon her values and who she is.

Absalom was sent to round up and drive out the alleged witches, but it is fairly clear that this is a means to an end. His own promotion. The easier path for Ursa would have been to support him, and profit from his zealous rage. But the difference is that Ursa sees people, even if she doesn’t understand everything about them. She is willing to walk the harder path and try to stand against what she believes is wrong.

What is true for Ursa is true for us too. Everyone we meet has a story and rather than making assumptions, what would happen if we stopped to hear them and to try and understand? Jesus did and look what happened when He stopped to talk with the woman at the well.

Short Histories and Shorter Memories

No matter how many books on history I read I always feel uninformed and ignorant about how we came to be here in January 2023. The Shortest History of England is one of a series of short histories, and last year I also read the one about Germany. It feels like cheating to read a short book on a massive topic, but I stand a better chance on holding on to how all the pieces fit together. I suppose it’s like looking at a map - maybe later I can zoom in on other features, but for now I have a basic understanding of how we got from A - B.

Our history helps us understand our present

The biggest takeaway I got from this book is how much of the past determines our present. Our culture is the way it is now, not by random chance, but because of events and decisions that were made before we were even born. Getting a handle on those should, in theory, help us understand where we are now, and avoid the mistakes of the past.

I say in theory, because as humans we are quick to forget what has gone before. And in some ways how I have enjoyed this book has reflected that. I enjoyed the parts that were in the far past, that were unconnected from me, but when it comes to recent history, I was much more uncomfortable. It’s the recent history that shows us how hard it is to make the right decisions. When it comes to a society that is only a few decades back, it doesn’t look so alien or unfamiliar, and with that comes an appreciation of how hard life is to navigate, when you don’t have the benefit of hindsight.

The softness of anticipatory grief. 

Reading a book about a country’s general history is fine on one level, but on another level is how our own personal histories impact our present. As I’ve started a process of anticipatory grief for my mum, I can find myself running through my memories of her. They have the strangest flavour of pleasure and sadness mingled together. And as a result, I think they make me appreciate her more.

After the first shock of her diagnosis, feelings settled down to a steady rhythm. It’s been a softer experience than I thought it would be. But it’s almost like the grief cocoons you and, for me anyway, there is a safety in that cocoon. There are times when it slows you down, like each day is like trying to move through treacle and that is frustrating. But I’ve appreciated the time to get used to the idea of my mum not being around any more, and to be at peace with that.

The hard thing is balancing all of that grief processing with not knowing how long this season will last. It’s a slow moving cancer and she could be fine for a long time to come. I’ve had to battle with feeling like grieving now is a waste of time, because it has begun to soon. But even if it has, I’ve gained from looking at what my relationship with my mum is like, and to enjoy a strengthening bond.

So I’ve decided to use this book as a spring board into delving into a bit of family history. Not so much the tracing of the line, I’ve done a fair bit of that already. But finding and recording the stories of the recent history and collating photographs and other mementos, to try and preserve some of the history.

Sitting by the Fire with Agatha Christie

 

Today I sat by the fire with Agatha Christie.

Sometimes the world outside seems like a wild, cold, noisy place. There are days where I feel like I have to mentally shut the door on it all. That’s how it was for me when I started The Body in the Library. As though I had fought to close the door on all the chaos of life and had turned round to find Agatha Christie getting settled in an arm chair by the fire.

You know it can’t be bad if you’re going to spend an evening in the company of Agatha Christie, even if the fire is only imaginary. And also any conversation I may or may not have had with her! So I sat back and let her tell the story.

This isn’t my first experience of The Body in the Library so I was trying to guess/remember the outcome. It showed me just how tired I was, because I couldn’t really be bothered to try and work it out, but just sat there waiting for the plot to unravel itself.

The truth, the partial truth, and anything but the truth.

One of the key ideas that Miss Marple throws out towards the end of the book, is that everyone was too trusting - they believed what people told them, even when they were being lied to.

Which got me thinking. Because that’s what life is like. Not that we’re trying to work out who, what, when and where, but what is real and what isn’t. Every attention-grabbing headline, every snappy tweet, every enticing piece of click bait - we have to decide how much is true, and what we are willing to trust. Maybe we’re in this over-anxious, social media saturated world, because we too, are too trusting.

No wonder we’re all tire
d. Sifting the plausible from the outrageous lie takes a fair bit of effort.

The truth I’m Holding onto

There’s so much news and information floating around out there that we can’t even begin to process it all. And for me this past year has been about processing stuff closer to home. I find it easy to fall into a thought pattern that tries to predict what is coming next and what I need to do to prepare for worst case scenario.

But I’ve been finding there’s quite a lot you just can’t predict, like finding a dead body in your library - how would the Bantry’s have conceived of a plan to work through that. And I was not expecting to nearly lose my mum on Christmas Eve the other year. There’s only so much you can reasonably expect to prepare for.

So in the spirit of giving up and letting the plot unravel, I’ve been working on not trying to be in absolute control of everything. It’s been tempting to put life on hold in case I have to drop everything and rush off to help my mum. The current strategy is to take these things to God in prayer. It doesn’t sound like much when it’s written like that but it is working. I’m also thankful that He doesn’t mind me sounding like a broken record, as I remind Him of all my fears, and make my suggestions of how He could make it better. But at the end of the day I’m getting better at relinquishing control to Him and trusting Him to provide what I need each day.

The Lancashire Library Challenge

I’ve been thinking about how I could make a challenge from this book. After much internal debate, I thought I would work with the idea that library was in the title. So my challenge for this year, and maybe a bit beyond, is to try and visit every library in Lancashire and borrow a book. I’m thinking only solid libraries, but I’ll award myself ten points for a mobile library visit. Not convinced I’ll find any of those though. Will keep you posted on my progress.

Hello 2023, please by kinder

It’s the first of January. It’s the day for looking forward, making plans and being inspired. Right now I’m just glad to put last year behind me, be in the day and reflect on what has been.

The first of January last year felt like a firework had exploded in my face.

In fairness the firework probably went off on Christmas Eve when my mum was taken into hospital with suspected sepsis. A load of questions started firing off in my mind. But mainly the thought clanging around in there, was: “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

With my head still trying to wrap itself around the thought that my steady, healthy mum, had been quite close to death and was now unsteady and a bit frail looking, I did what I like to do best - read.

Reading to Stay Sane!

The first half of the year was about waiting.

Once mum was stable the tests had begun. She’d not had a stroke, which is what I thought was happening at first. But she did need a minor op, oh, and there was a lump, a big one, near her kidney. But they didn’t know what it was yet, or where the initial infection had come from.

At first I was sitting outside hospitals in my car while my mum had more tests and appointments. Covid restrictions were still floating around and so I sat in the chilly outside with a book, hoping it would take my mind off the cold.

I tried to get a routine going - drop mum off, go find coffee, come back and wait. But things changed too quick for that to take hold.

By the end of March I’d read 19 books. Not that many - and in fairness most were not read whilst I was waiting for mum, but when I was alone and work was done for the day. No need to be on the loopy what-are-we-going-to-hear-next thought merry go round when I could be roaming around Narnia (I read nothing but Narnia in January, transporting children’s books were a great help.)

Too Stunned to Read

The answer did arrive though and we could put a name to what the problem was. Marginal Zone Lymphoma. The slowest of the slow when it comes to blood cancers. And that is the extent of my knowledge. Other than that chemo wouldn’t do anything except maybe slow it down, and it might not even do that. So that’s a road mum opted not to go down.

I should also point out that this answer rocked up on the Jubilee weekend. Which in a way was good because I had a couple of bank holidays to get my head back together. I can recommend cake and a good friend who doesn’t mind hearing you say “I don’t understand” on repeat. But later in the year when someone asked me what I’d done for the Jubilee I nearly answered with “cried alot” before I caught myself and gave a more standard answer, “I ate cake and watched telly.”

June was also the month where I read only one book - Dark Tides by Philippa Gregory, sort of a book version of pathetic fallacy, maybe. Tears kept getting in the way of the words, so I gave up.

I Broke My Reading Record

For now life is about adjusting to what the past year has thrown at us. But there’s a couple of things that I’ve been able to draw from my experience so far.

It’s never fun to see someone you love suffer. I suppose that goes without saying, but reading through this post so far, it doesn’t do justice to the feelings I felt each time we sat with mum waiting for an ambulance to come, or as I raced to be with her when she had those episodes. Is there a word for when you feel so anxious you could be sick, so full of adrenaline you feel you could fly but also utterly consumed by sadness? Sometimes when it was all over, I was sick and somehow that made me feel a little better.

One of the surprises of this last year was the many positive things I found to think about. The whole time I have felt split in two. If I could put everything to do with my mum in a box and put it away life would be ace right now. I’ve got a lot of good things going on. But always at the edge of memory is this grief waiting for me to remember.

So what are the positive things? Well one is that I’ve got a new appreciation for those who are carers of family members full time. I’ve had a tiny taste of what that must be like, and I can’t imagine the emotional drain that looking after someone all the time must have. And children that have to do that for their parents have my full respect.

I’m glad it’s nothing worse. We still don’t know what the future will look like for my mum, but right now she’s doing good, all things considered. She has good days and bad days, but she has a positive attitude and isn’t willing to go down without a fight. Although I sometimes wish she would sit down and rest a bit more than she does.

So, this one is superficial, but also the reason for this post and maybe future ones. I read 100 books in a year for the first time. I’m not sure how much my mum is responsible for that, but my theory is that I used books as an escape from my reality.

The thing is, there is only so much consuming I can do before I need to look for a new hit. Which is where I got to in late November. Now I want to read the book and then look for things that it has inspired me to do. Let me give you an example. I read
Shadowlands by Matthew Green, and now I’ve drawn up a bucket list to visit the places he mentions in the book, and maybe a few other lost villages along the way.

It might not work for every read - not sure how many wardrobes I would need to knock on the back of before I found Narnia, but I thought the future of this blog might be me sharing a few adventures in real life, inspired by what I read in the pages of a book. And maybe I’ll throw in some stuff on how it’s helping me process what’s going on with me and my anticipatory grief.